I started out today being informed again that books sent by my wife were not going to be allowed because of the specific way I am being managed. Simply put, as a sex offender I cannot possess certain types of material if they can in any way be considered sexual in nature. I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out why I was being treated like this and what I could potentially do to rectify the situation. Whenever I’ve faced challenges in the past, I did everything I could to fix the problem and keep moving forward. Now, I’m faced with a situation that I have no control over and where the outcome seems dismal at best. I feel like because of the conviction and the reality of the rules instituted by the state, I’m forever going to be refused certain normal things in my life.
It did not help matters that I got a couple messages from my wife today that sound like she is blaming herself for my downfall and that is truly the last thing I want. None of this was her fault. There are many factors that played into my eventual criminal activity and at no point did anyone push me so hard that I felt compelled to do anything illegal. I made poor choices about my mental and emotional health and determined that I didn’t need the support I so obviously required at the time. Sadly, knowing better now does little good for me now and going forward. And, forever I will be stuck with a set of poor personal decisions that very few will ever care to know. My only hope is that someone else can benefit from my mistakes and make a better choice sooner to seek support and find a better path.