I’m sitting here in my cell tonight and haven’t been able to talk to my wife since leaving here in the courtroom. I cannot imagine what she is going through and how she is handling the conversations that she is having with our children. Why have I put her into this situation and what kind of long-term psychological damage am I now putting her and the kids through? Questions like this make me cry, so that’s what I’m going to do now.
The cell I’m in is small and cold. The bunk is a steel plate hung about 18 inches above the floor and is too short for my body. (maybe I’m too tall to be a criminal) The walls are all white and the toilet is close to the door. There’s a small desk next to the bed which is all steel and welded to anchors in the floor. I have a single tall, thin window which is frosted up about three-quarters of the way up. In order to look outside, I stand on my bunk and can just glance out at the railroad tracks located behind the jail. The “mattress” is really nothing more than a mat about two inches thick. I have one blanket which is not nearly warm enough, but I suppose I’ll just have to survive… Besides, I deserve this right??
I’ve already been asked twice if I can get this dumb ring off my finger so that they can move me to the general population holding area down at the New Century facility. I wish I could but I can’t and they refuse to cut it off for me.
So far the food has been awful but I really don’t have much of an appitite for anything, much less this shit they are giving me in a sack. The meal I got tonight was not much better and I’m dreading whatever they are going to hand me in the morning. Apparently the lights will stay on until 11pm and then I can decide to turn off my room light whenever I choose to do so. I guess that’s a good thing, but I’m so anxious right now that I’m not sure anything is going to calm me.
I think I’m going to try and sleep now and I hope to talk to my wife and kids in the morning or whenever I am allowed time in the dayroom to make a phone call.